Tonight while I was cruising the internet reading other people's blogs I had a bit of a wake up call.
This year my health has been something of a major challenge, an obstacle to my writing and life in general. However, after my operation at the end of March I felt so much better I decide I wanted to pursue an old dream - to become an ambulance officer. I threw myself into this with everything I had and was working towards the goals I needed to achieve in order to apply, but about a month ago I hit a brick wall - the brick wall of total exhaustion.
Now time is winding down fast, deadlines are rushing towards me and due to physical and financial challenges it doesn't look like this dream will come true for me, at least not this year. It is a hard thing to accept but sometimes you have to be realistic. I am what I am, my body is what it is and my health is a challenge I have to live with.
As with most dreams: when the door closes on one, the door to another opens a crack. Then comes the choice. Will you change direction and push open that other door to see where it takes you?
I'm standing on the threshold of that second door.
The sign of the door says AUTHOR.
Am I really brave enough to step through it?
So I have to ask myself how badly do I want this?
I've stood here before, somehow I wandered away ... over time we lose sight of dreams we were striving for. Discovering one has a life changing condition can do that. And that's okay. In the big picture of things putting dreams like a writing career on hold is understandable, even expected.
But I realised tonight that if I want this, if I want to be able to say "Yes, I'm an AUTHOR" then I need to take this side of my life seriously. I need to get disciplined again. I need to set goals for myself and WORK hard to meet them.
If I really want this I need to take my writing back out of the "hobby" basket and put it back into the "this is what I am" basket.
Last year I was very disciplined with my writing and was averaging 1000 words most days. I wrote a novel in six-seven months. I need to get back to that.
My head is alive with dreams and plans and ideas for my writing. I need to take hold of them with both hands and dive into those deep, shark infested waters. Let's be honest, it's scary out there. It's hard. It takes guts, sweat, tears and patience and perseverance ... and that's just the writing!
I have to be honest the whole publishing thing is frightening. I'm excited and terrified by turns!
One moment I'm trilled by my work, buzzing from the enthusiasm of others, ready to take on the world and the next I'm a quivering mess of self doubt!
It's true, there will be people out there who don't like my work, some may despise it even (though I hope not) and I have to be prepared for that. But there'll be people out there who like it too, they may even love it! (I hope so).
So do I want to step through this door and take on whatever I find on the other side?
I think so...
I know so...
I want to see my name on a book.
I want to hear about how my work captured my dear readers and dragged them deep into the world of my imagination.
I do WANT this!